Spank and bank…describes a strange bill introduced in Texas to ‘make a point.’ What is it and why should anyone care?
Opinion by C J Oakes
As if the world were not becoming much too Big Brotherish, a Houston, Texas lawmaker Jessica Farrar has introduced House Bill 4260. This strange spank and bank bill will make it illegal for men to masturbate for pleasure. Although introduced for the satirical purpose of illustrating the issue of women’s reproductive rights, if passed, it raises the certain specter of 1984 in all its hallowed (or hollow) glory.
Could Texas’ Spank and Bank HB 4260 Pass?
Naturally, Representative Farrar does not believe the bill will pass. She stated that the intent is to demonstrate just how hypocritical recent laws related to female reproductive rights are. Just last year, Texas passed a bill requiring women who abort or suffer a miscarriage to have a proper funeral for the fetus…including instances wherein a woman doesn’t even know she was pregnant. And recently, Representative Tony Tinderholt has introduced HB 948 to open the door for murder charges in cases of abortion.
The fetus burial law is already being challenged in Federal Courts, but this does not mean it will fail. Regardless of the outcome, Texas is clearly setting the stage for a pro-life/pro-choice showdown the likes of which hold the potential to become the OK Corral of the 21st Century. So…could HB 4260 pass? And what would that mean?
Stranger things have happened. Although not likely to pass, the logic behind the bill is sound: If reproductive rights for women are to be curtailed, then those of men should be as well. The bill includes a clause that allows men to masturbate, but only if depositing their semen in a sperm bank or a vagina. This way, the seed is not wasted.
And If Spank and Bank HB 4260 DOES Pass…What Then? Could it Be Enforced?
It most certainly could.
Consider that it is now known that the NSA routinely spies on the activities of average Americans, mainly via email and voice data recognition software. If the NSA could do it, Texas could too.
Too, our smartphones have the ability (and likely our authorization via agree-to-terms) to listen to us. Also, bear in mind that the camera on phones and PCs have the ability to watch, even when supporting software is not turned on. So, if we are turned on, someone could be viewing our activities.
Seem too far fetched? Did you REALLY read those terms and conditions when you signed up for that FREE service or software?
Remember, NOTHING is FREE. There is always a catch.
I recently noticed a game my son wanted to download to my phone. For no reason I could identify, one of the things the game wanted access to was the camera. The camera? To play a game? I could understand needing access if it was one of those face-change-to-look-like-a-zombie apps, but this was a simple game. Nothing complicated, nothing fancy.
So, imagine the setting…
A man is watching porn on his smartphone, grunting while doing the ugly with Rosy and her four sisters. The camera picks up his activity and sends an image to the local police force. The sounds he is making and the image of his face scrunching in pleasant agony combined with the PornHub video tell police that they are about to make $100 for the state.
In fact, police will not even need to bust down his door…though they might, if only for the incredible entertainment value. Instead, just like sending a speeding ticket to a car caught on camera, a detective sends a charge and summons through the mail. They have all the evidence, now they simply need payment.
Really, who would fight this in court?
I would. Fuck ’em. If I want to exercise my spank muscle I will. I have a 9th Amendment right to do so and the state of Texas can kiss my dimpled ass if it thinks I can be intimidated by such a charge.
But most will not. Most hide this activity from their wives and the public. Most will simply pay the fine.
One final note on whether Texas HB 4260 could pass…
Texas is oil country and the price of oil is down. This has resulted in massive layoffs statewide and the financial situation of the state is weaker than usual. In other words, it needs money.
Per Texas HB 4260, masturbation means money.
Put in that perspective, yes..Spank and Bank COULD pass.